How to stay single for eternity
I wanted to write a really chipper, positive dating piece but then I realized that I'm probably the wrong person to do that.
Because who would seriously want to read it? That sounds like the worst article ever.
Before I start: Don't take this personally. I am not an expert. I am not trying to prove a point. This is just me, here, writing about stuff I've heard or witnessed.
I'm not going to write something negative, per se. I'm going to make light of the chaos many of us experience.
So here's the thing about dating in Vancouver or anywhere else: It's pretty tough and I know that because I listen to people. Our communication is totally out of whack. Sometimes it seems as though we just mill around on our phones swiping through dating apps until they freeze. The swiping is really the rigorous part because eventually our wrists can get a little sore.
All jokes aside, we're dealing with what seems to be the dating apocalypse here, people. And it doesn't matter where you live because it's happening everywhere.
Look - I can't tell you what to do with your dating life because seriously, who knows!? Everyone is kind of lost in one way or another. So instead of telling you what will work in your life, I'm going to tell you what won't.
I've created a list of things to NOT do when dating with a few scenarios based on real life experiences. Some of these I've experienced, some of these my friends have experienced, and others came straight from my readers.
If you do these things consistently then I can almost guarantee that you will successfully stay single for eternity.
1. Show up to the date with a carton of SunnyD
A guy shows up to the first date at a restaurant with a giant plastic carton of SunnyD. He is swigging it. The restaurant owner says he's not allowed to bring it inside. He leaves it outside, and when exiting at the end, he picks it back up and starts drinking it again.
2. Scatter strange things around your house
It's a few dates in, so this girl goes to the guy's house. There are several burnt, blackened q-tips scattered about the house. It's not awful but it's weird enough.
3. Talk about conspiracy theories
This situation I've just listed gets worse when this person starts talking about how 9/11 didn't actually happen in the first place, that the Holocaust didn't happen, and that there are reptilian aliens ruling planet earth.
4. Say you are actually only attracted to the same sex
Do not go on a date with the opposite sex and then tell that person you are actually just attracted to the same sex.
5. Use photos on your dating profile from five years ago
Talk about "expectations vs. reality" ...
6. Tell the other person you'll dump them if they don't have sex with you on the 2nd date
It happened and it was real.
7. Talk about your girlfriend from three months ago on the first date
Still together or not together? Nobody knows.
8. Start smoking weed...in the restaurant
But in the restaurant?
9. Do not shower
Jack, I thought I told you, you gotta rinse off after the elliptical.
10. Do not douse yourself with cologne or perfume
Spray twice or no dice.
10. Ask the other person to be your girlfriend/boyfriend on the first date
11. On the first date a man proceeds to ask the girl if she'd like to go and sniff some cocaine
I was going to make a drug joke but then I realized that's not ok.
12. The two have had a few dates so it's kind of at the end of the ghosting phase. She ghosts him or he ghosts her
Are we surprised though?
13. Answer text messages very intermittently. Text mainly at nighttime
14. Date multiple people at once and have dinner with them all at the same restaurant where you are bound to be seen
At least set them apart by a few blocks or so.
15. Tell the other person that you're in love with them on the first date